Today. In many ways I want “today” to be over and done with. Actually I don’t even want to have to deal with what “today” is, the day I have court to face lies. Waking up, I had this empty feeling inside of me, as if a part of me is dying off.
I can come up with as many scenarios as my though will make up, but I cannot truly determine the outcome of what will happen. Based on the fact I am innocent I know what I’d like to happen, but the law doesn’t work that way.
In this instance I have to prove I am innocent.
I can say this, my ex is going in to court to win a battle, I am going in to clear my name.
Even during my divorce it wasn’t a battle for me, I just wanted it over, he was the one who was vehemently cutthroat. I wish you could hear how awful he was.
I am in a surreal place, void of any feelings at the moment, waiting for what is to come to come. I’m really not quiet sure where my emotions are, which is so unlike me.
I woke, took the dog out, and am now sitting outside drinking tea. I feel alone, and abandoned but please no sympathy instead send me strength.
The world goes on around me, time moves on, no matter what I am going through or have to deal with, I am in the grand scheme of life inconsequential. To the child that this is about, and part of the cause of what is happening to me, my love and dedication to her are inconsequential.
In our life, we’ll at least mine, it has been so important to me I give of myself emotionally to my children, be there for them and protect them at the same time allowing them to do on their own. I have, in my work dedicated myself to connecting to those I work with and dedicating myself to doing my job well. I want to leave others with good feelings and thoughts, make the world a better place. It seems I have been unable to do that. The mark I have left means nothing and my time here is unseen. There always is someone who can replace you, so really what you give only means something to you, yourself.
As I finish my tea, the coolness of the morning along with the life going on around me, makes me feel utterly alone.