Disastrous Disarray

Meeting fear head on, that’s what the day was about. I wouldn’t say I concurred my fears or the position I am in, or even feel secure about meeting them. On the contrary, I’m scared shitless and feel empty. I have no idea what the outcome will be, but I know I stood up to the lies told about me and come Monday will stand up to the lies in court. I will continue to stand up against the lies and hope to finally move past this, awful awful time in my life. I can’t say I will move past this smoothly or with any sense of relief, as the damage has been done.  

I don’t feel satisfied, I don’t feel joyful, how can I when I am defending my integrity and who I am as a person. There is no winning when your child is put in the middle of the game (the ex invented) and her issues are exploited so she can be a pawn all so he doesn’t have to pay child support or money for health expense for his children. How can any good come of that? What do you really win after all?

I’m so tired of struggling and having to defend myself when it is the ex who is the only one who wants to fight. I don’t think I could give enough to get him to stop his vindictive escapade (what I feel) it is about is making me hurt and pay for the fact he was ordered to pay money to me to me for our kids.

I feel like crying, both from being treated so poorly and for how overwhelming it is to protect myself from the lies.
My only power is the record I have in how I deal with him, my responses and actions which paint me in my true light. 

I have some choices to make, some extremely hard choices to make, and my thoughts keep going back and forth on what will be best. What is best? Truly I do not know. I do know I feel like the true parent in the story King Solomon’s Judgement. However as of now I do not know what choice I’m being given. When it comes time I pray I will know what choice to make and be left feeling some sort of relief.  Although I don’t know how that can be possible.

I am feeling isolated, unloved by the child I am kept from, scared and uncertain. I feel absolutely powerless in the charade and power play the ex husband came up with. How will I
overcome this in any real positive way?  Seariously what will I be left with emotionally when the choice is made? Will I be seen for who I am, or how he paints me?  Will the truth I have on my side mean anything at all?

I feel so distracted, in unison I’m numb and emotional and my head is heavy with grief.  How could I have ever been married to such a dispicable person? Really?  Becasue I am not like that at all. What can I do now to distance myself and make my life something meaningful? 

Yes there is meaning in what is going on, I realize that and as much as I’m focusing on what those meanings are, I need to let go and focuses on where my life is going.  The negativity is still movement like it or not.


Author: Blue Moon

Working on improving my writing

One thought on “Disastrous Disarray”

  1. When the vacuum occurred in my life I depended heavily on my faith. While the attacks still continued I survived without the deep scaring that will remain without leaning on the higher power. If you have faith lean heavily on it. If you dont, seek it. You cannot go wrong in doing so.

    Liked by 1 person

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